The Silent Ventriloquist
by Dabbled-at-Euchre
Summary: A Silent Ventriloquist and his small, loud stage partner visit the island.


Gilligan was out gathering coconuts. Then he saw a white man with a new beard in a tweed suit sitting on a log. He said "Hi Mister. I haven't seen you here before."

There was no reply. So, he walked closer. "I'm Gilligan. What's your name? Do you talk Mister?"

The man stirred but didn't reply. As Gilligan approached his left side the stranger suddenly turned and a ventriloquist's figure (commonly known as a dummy) came into view on the man's right hand. "He doesn't talk anymore Gilligan."

Gilligan looked. The supposed speaker was wearing casual pants, plaid button-down shirt and loafers. "What're your names?" Gilligan asked.

"I'm Eddie. I'm calling him Silent George until he starts talking again."

"How did he get here?"

"A boat dropped him off."

"Could the boat pick him up again? And take us with him?"

"Yeah. If he's ever ready to leave."

"Why wouldn't he be ready to leave?"

"He's depressed. He was a big shot ventriloquist. His act went sour and now he's washed up."

"We're washed up too."

"Oh. Who were you before you were washed up?"

"The Skipper, first mate and passengers of the SS Minnow. A storm clobbered our boat and we washed up here. Almost four years ago."

There was a pause.

"If Silent George here wasn't in such a self-indulgent depression he'd think you were worse off than he was."

"My friends and I are having dinner soon. Would you like to come?"

"He doesn't have any other dinner plans."

"We're just down this path here. I'll go ahead and tell them to set an extra plate."

Gilligan returned to the settlement area. "Hey everyone. We have visitors. Silent George can get a boat back when he's ready to leave. He doesn't talk nowadays. But Eddie accepted our invitation for both. So, we need to set another plate for dinner."

The Skipper said, "Silent George AND Eddie are coming here?" When Gilligan nodded he said, "Set two more places."

Mary Ann said, "Good thing we made enough spare dishes."

The Skipper said "Yes. Because SOMEONE" [he looked at Gilligan] "kept accidently breaking them."

Gilligan said "No, just one extra place."

The Skipper said, "Two more places."

The Professor said "Gilligan I would have guessed that your mathematical aptitude was above the level of counting. Perhaps only slightly above but above."

Gilligan said "But… But- "

The Skipper said, "Not another word Gilligan."

Soon the seven castaways sat at a table with nine places. Silent George arrived holding Eddie. Eddie said "So these are Gilligan's friends. Figures."

The Professor turned to Gilligan apologetically "I had best return to my prior opinion of your mathematical aptitude."

"That's okay Professor. If I were you Professor, I'd have a low opinion of my math mechanical altitude too. Except If I were you I'd be the Professor and have a great opinion of my math mechanics apple ude. Only- "

The Skipper hastily said, "We get the point Gilligan." He stood up and turned to their guest "I'm Captain Jonas Gumby." He began to go around the table and introduce everyone ending with "and you've met my first mate Gilligan."

The reply came. "I've met him. I must say, you're looking well for a group of four-year castaways. This sad sack quit shaving back in civilization."

They spoke over dinner. Eddie explained their situation. "Georgie boy here was a big-time ventriloquist. I've got a whole trunkful of colleagues stored in Honolulu. But his act went sour. He lost enthusiasm after his laughs started to slip slightly. When he was just going through the motions he really tanked. Now I'm stuck here till the big guy comes up with a new act. And it took him eight years to come up with his last one."

They arranged for their visitor to sleep in the supply hut when he felt tired.

The Howells, being older, went to bed first. The others., including the new visitor/visitors sat up around the fire.

Ginger came out in her most voluptuous dress. She signaled the other castaways. One by one they joined her. Then she spoke softly. "You all wait here. I'm going to make my play. Behind that prop he's a man."

Gilligan said "What play Ginger? We don't have a football. Or a basketball. Or a-"

The Skipper spoke in a soft but rising voice "Why don't you wait right here, keep your mouth shut and watch" (he suddenly realized his voice was getting louder. He returned to a soft voice) "what she means."

Gilligan nodded.

Ginger walked sensuously to George. Unfortunately, he was looking the other way. So, she said "Hello" in her most sultry voice.

He turned and saw her posing at her most flirtatious. "Hi Lady." Said Eddie. "There's something I've wanted to ask you."

"What's that?"

"Did you ever teach geometry?'

"No. I never did. Why?"

"I was just thinking that you look like the type of lady who could get a fellow interested in curves. Lots of curvy curves."

"Why thank you Eddie. Would you mind visiting with my friend Gilligan? Or retiring to the hut? I'd like to take a walk ALONE with George. And if you're his friend you'd let us."

"YOU with HIM?"

"Yes. He's so broad shouldered. And his beard gives him such a rugged manly look. I was thinking we could go for a walk in the moonlight and talk over our mutual experiences in show business."

"Trust me lady. I'm your friend. You don't want to be alone with anyone as sad as him. I hate being alone with him, but Edgar Bergen didn't offer me a position, so I'm stuck."

"What's he so sad about anyway?'

"You know how show biz works. Your only as good as your last show."

"Or picture." Ginger seemed to be reacting to the words. Her voice returned to normal, as she forgot to flirt.

"One day you've got them eating out of your hands. The next day you're a bit older. Or your talent slips. Or the public changes. Suddenly you've lost them. And they remember you trying and failing."

"You mean like…" She stopped.

"Go on lady."

"Like the silent film stars who had to adjust to the talkies. One day they express themselves in exaggerated gestures without sound. Then they have to be subtler. And good talkers."

"And if their voice or accent didn't match what the audience liked they were on the outs."

Ginger thought. "Even in the talking films a lot of actors and actresses have careers that go downhill fast."

"It's like that on the stage too."

"You get a little old. Or the producers blame you for a bad picture. Even if it's because of a bad script or a lousy directing job."

"Sometimes you can make a comeback. Not always."

"Sometimes you're show biz history. A has-been."

"George here asked an employment agency about a job elsewhere. He was this close to changing his appearance and showing up with a new name at a factory in Oklahoma. But he just couldn't do it. He couldn't give up show biz."

"Is there anything more tragic and pathetic then a has-been? Better to be one who never got the roles."

"Never headlined the stage."

"Or had the lead in a movie."

"Instead he just went to a deserted island to feel sorry for himself. If he goes back he'll be a has-been. Here he's just an exile. Hidden from the way people treat failures."

Ginger burst into tears and ran down the path.

The Skipper said, "What's wrong Ginger?"

Very upset, she explained. "I could live with my career maybe peaking in B movies. But if I get back to civilization in time to resume my career one day the checkout girl at the Supermarket will say 'didn't you used to be Ginger Grant. You were kidnaped on the late movie last Wednesday. Why'd you retire anyway?' And I'll have a stock lie to tell her. My hairdresser and manicurist will talk about my glory days and how I have to look good for my come back. And I'll know they're lying but I won't care because I need someone to treat me like a star!"

Ginger ran off. Mary Ann rushed after her.

The next day at breakfast Ginger was subdued and her hair and makeup were undone.

After breakfast castaways began excusing themselves one or two at a time.

Soon only Mrs. Howell was left with the visitor/visitors. Then her husband returned carrying a suitcase.

Eddie said, "What you going to do with that?"

Mr. Howell said, "Use it to negotiate for our return to civilization."

"So It's a prop."

"A PROP?! Would you call $50,000 in cash a prop."

"Anything that you show the audience is a prop."

'Ok. It's a prop." He took out the money and set it on the table. "I'm ready to negotiate Mr. George."

"That may be difficult. Him not talking and all."

"Perhaps you could negotiate on his behalf."

"I could try."

'The opening offer is $50,000 CASH. Perhaps he'd like to count it BILL BY BILL." Mr. Howell smirked imagining the greed counting would inspire.

"He's not going to accept your offer Mr. Moneybags."

Mrs. Howell spoke up "Actually his name is Thurston Howell the Third."

Her husband spoke hastily "Now Lovey. If that helps the negotiation he can feel free. It's not like he's insulting me. Now my next offer is the cash PLUS 5,000 more when we get home. We can draw up a written contract right now if you want that guarantee."

That offer wasn't acceptable either. Mr. Howell kept raising the offer.

Finally, Eddie said "Let's take a little break. You're looking a little tense."

Mr. Howell said to his wife "Lovey. He doesn't want money. He's not even making a counter offer. This bounder is rejecting everything I stand for."

She said "There, there dear."

Eddie said "Perhaps we could discuss something else till we renew negotiations. Lady what does your husband like to talk about?"

"Thurston loves to talk money."

"Well then he can talk about money. But no negotiation. Have him tell George how he made his first million."

Mr. Howell announced "I inherited it. Also, my second million."

"What about your third?"

"Well I inherited some of it. Some of it I grew by producing plays on the stage. Some failed but enough panned out. Also, I bought stocks and bonds."

Eddie asked him questions. Soon Mr. Howell talked for almost an hour straight about how he'd earned money. George looked interested and Eddie nodded frequently or said things like "Go on" or "What next?'

Finally, Eddie said "All that talk about stock sales and debatably illegal monopolies and tax strategies. It sounds like there's one thing you like more than having money."

"More than having money! What do I like more than that?!"

"Making it."

"I love making money!"

"Then you get George's point. If he can't make money he wants to hide away from civilization."

"I DO!... Egad. Did that Cad get the better of me in a negotiation?"

Mrs. Howell said, "If there isn't anything he wants from you was it really a negotiation?'

"Perhaps not. I think I'll accept your definition. After all, I wouldn't want this on my negotiation average."

So Silent George and Eddie stayed with the castaways for a week while his/their hosts hoped something would change. Most days Silent George would put Eddie in a backpack in case he wanted to express himself and then follow Gilligan and the Skipper. He'd join them in manual labor, often going hours and hours silently observing. They almost started to forget he was there.

One day the three of them had gathered firewood and Gilligan set a very long branch in an upright position only to have it fall onto the Skipper's back. Then they carried water to irrigate the garden because it had been a while since the last rain and Gilligan accidently soaked the Skipper's shoes and socks.

Now they were fishing at the lagoon. [The Minnow had extra fishing equipment on board in case passengers wanted to rent it to indulge in that pastime.]

They were excited when Gilligan caught something. But it turned out to be a rotting, empty crate. So, they set it aside and returned to fishing.

An hour later the Skipper said "This is a relaxing way to break up the work day. Just wish I didn't have to keep moving to stay in the shade."

Gilligan said, "I could set this crate on these two bushes there to block the sun from your face."

"But Gilligan. Won't it- "He stopped when the crate fell on his left foot. 'Ooooofff!" he added as he dropped his pole.

'Sorry Skipper."

"Oh you… Gilligan!" He grabbed his hat in his right hand while he held his injured foot in his left hand and hopped a few steps and hit Gilligan on the head with his hat. Then he said, "My pole!" As he noticed his fishing pole was charging the lagoon.

"I'll get it Skipper!" Gilligan ran and dived after the pole catching it as it went into the lagoon. He handed it back to the Skipper.

The Skipper began to reel it in "No tension on the line." He reeled it all the way in and saw an empty hook. "It must have been a big one. And I didn't get him hooked because I was busy with you."

"Sorry Skipper."

"Gilligan only YOU could ruin a good day's fishing!"

The next day George and Silent Eddie were missing and no trace of them was found.

A couple weeks later six of the castaways were idly listening to the news on the radio.

Gilligan walked up and said, "Here's the firewood from the supply hut."

Then the announcer said "And on the entertainment front, our intern Larry went to see a developing ventriloquist act. What can you tell us about it Larry?"

Another voice spoke "Well it was funny. But it wasn't the sort of stand-up comedy I expected. It was more involved. When I saw his act before he was the great Georgio, ventriloquist extraordinaire. Now he cast himself as Legionnaire Crowfeet, a foreign legion private in the desert about 40 years ago. He kept goofing up the simplest tasks. And Capitane Eddie LeMarianet would say things like 'Private Crowfeet only you could ruin an evening of sipping Lemonade and watching the desert sun set!' Then he'd hit him on the head with his little hat. It was quite funny. Then the supporting cast was introduced. There was Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags who tried to find luxury in the desert fort. And La Belle Ginger, the voluptuous showgirl. And the engineer who could build complex devices, mostly out of sand with a few salvaged materials. And Mademoiselle Marianne, who compared the desert to the farm in Champagne where she grew up."

The announcer chuckled "I look forward to attending that show."

The Skipper shut off the radio and remarked "Why that lousy so and so!"

Mr. Howell agreed "Quite a cad!"

Four of the other castaways spoke in agreement at the same time. Then Gilligan said, 'Something about his act sounds familiar."

The Skipper said, "I imagine it does Gilligan."

The Professor spotted something. "What's that paper doing with the firewood?"

Gilligan said "Oh it was with the firewood. I figured it would make good kindling."

"Let me just check what's written on it."

Then he said "Why it's a letter. From Eddie."

Gilligan said "George should have shown us that trick. Moving Eddie's little hand to write something we could read."

He took in a breath and opened his mouth to continue but went silent when he saw the Skipper glaring at him.

The Professor read "Dear friends. George developed a new act. I was happy just making snarky comments and observations. Now I'm cast as a tyrannical commander and have to work up a lot of meanness. A very sarcastic Thanks to all of you.

P. S. I asked George to have you rescued but he thought his new act would be funnier if people didn't know how closely it was based on real people. Sorry it's show business."

Ginger said "He's right it's funnier that way. I hate show business! And always will! Well for a few hours at least."

The end.


End file.
